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Dirty Love (2005)

(R) 91 mins

Plot Summary: A woman in search of her one true love encounters one hilarious circumstance after another.

Starring: Jenny McCarthy, Carmen Electra

Supporting actors: Eddie Kaye Thomas

Directed by: John Mallory Asher

Studio: Millennium Entertainment

Serious Jest:  (Cruel & Unusual Punishment)  All of my instincts were screaming at me not to click this movie, even though it was free…but the little devil on my shoulder was telling me that I might stumble upon some little-known McCarthy-on-Electra soft-core pr0wn, and return to my friends, trophy in tow, a hero.  I could already see the look of admiration on CraigMakk’s face as he proclaimed me a true smut spelunker and discoverer of hidden gems.  But you know what they say: “You dance with the devil, and he slips you a mickey and gives you the horns all night long.”  At least that’s what my homeless friend that I pass every day on the way to work says.  Anyway, within the first 30 seconds, I was already feeling my toe stepped on, my head swimming, and the tickle of a horn in an uncomfortable place.

Please take note that in the following paragraphs, I won’t “spoil” the ending, but I will talk about the various unfunny jokes and disgusting antics in the film.  Besides, you can’t “spoil” something that’s already terrible, and plus I am writing this article in hopes that it will prevent you from ever watching this movie, or get you to join me in a survivor support group if you already have watched it.

Guys like McCarthy because she’s not afraid to act silly or laugh at herself, despite being really hot.  Unfortunately, this time she badly misjudged the line between being silly and self-deprecating, and being crass and disgusting.  Throughout this movie, she tries extremely hard to make you find her repulsive, including: having a fart contest with an old woman; catching projectile vomit in her breasts; engaging in weird sodomy with a fish; bleeding all over a supermarket floor; and annoyingly shrieking like a chimp with rabies…sadly, this list is not all-inclusive.  The dialogue was ridiculous, almost everyone over- or under-acted (mostly over), and the jokes  were either terribly corny or borderline-offensive–for instance, in one scene, McCarthy’s character “stoops” to dating a stereotypical, caricature-like, mousy Jewish producer with a big nose, badly receding hairline, ugly jacket, and thick glasses in order to help her friend land a role; also, Electra’s “wigger” character gets very tired very fast; I don’t consider these types of jokes off-limits, but if you’re going to do them, they should be witty and/or funny…instead, the big payoff we get for watching Electra act like a “hood rat” all movie is a guy from Sum41 asking her, “You know you’re white, right?”  And not only did McCarthy bomb as the lead actress in this movie…she also wrote it.  In an hour and a half, she managed to shift my opinion of her as an entertainer 180 degrees.

This movie did have 4 bright points: (1) Thomas was outstanding, convincingly playing a love-struck, patient, loyal, and funny friend (I wondered if he wrote his own dialogue); (2) Guillermo Díaz was also good, managing to overcome corny lines with a humorous delivery; (3) there is a single naked shot of McCarthy’s wonderful breasts (although they’re covered in throw-up…but at least we know it’s fake); and (4) the film made me appreciate just how brilliant Bridesmaids was, and how many things could have been written, directed, and acted terribly about that concept.  However, these small roses in the concrete do not smell nearly sweet enough to overcome the stench of urine pervading this movie.  McCarthy must have pitched this movie naked, because I can’t believe anyone agreed to make it.  Steer clear.

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About Serious Jest

Film & TV Reviewer by Choice, Attorney at Law, Marine to the Corps (excuse the pun), Nupe Under Pressure, and MC by Nature

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